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Most of the time, communication does not depend on personal will, more depends on the way of communication, otherwise the sincere will is just a facade.

In my consultation, it is very common to break up because of the wrong way of communication, so I think it is necessary to talk about the problem of communication.

How can couples communicate effectively?

So, how to communicate with each other in a simple, effective and time-tested way?

Here, I will teach you a “black magic of communication”, let you win the battle in communication – learn to talk to each other’s “lizard brain”.

What is lizard brain?

The human brain is divided into many regions, each with different functions, support different cognitive. But the parts of the brain we normally use to communicate are actually controlled by a few regions in the outer layer of the brain.

The lizard brain, on the other hand, is a small core that combines all brain activity and is used to regulate heart rate, breathing, balance and other systems.

It is responsible for parts of the brain that have nothing to do with rational thought, and it has been proven by scientific research to be an ancient part of the mastery of instinct. That is, it deals with our basic emotions, our subjective feelings, and is less governed by reason.

Why does it work to talk to Lizard Brain?

Jim Cumming, a professor of mass communication at Northwestern University and a doctoral student in sociology at the University of Chicago, has spent his 27-year career asking the question: How do people make decisions?

What really makes us decide is not the part of the brain that governs rational thought, but the lizard brain that processes our subjective feelings.

It has been scientifically proven that a person’s lizard brain is 0.03 seconds faster than his rational brain, and since we tend to have preconceived opinions when making decisions, that’s a crucial 0.03 seconds.

So, in the process of communicating with the opposite sex, we find a way to stimulate the “lizard brain”, this communication is half the battle.

How exactly do you influence your partner’s lizard brain?

1, Don’t try to persuade the other person to change their attitude, let the change directly into action

Try to think of a time when you had a disagreement and agreed to sit down and talk calmly, but you still had an emotional fight. Why is that?

Because, in the process of communication, we are used to blaming each other’s fault, although this fault is objective, but still cannot be accepted by the other side.

So, if you want to communicate effectively, you need to turn this “blaming attitude” into “changing behavior.”

How can couples communicate effectively?

“Cognitive dissonance studies have found that if your attitude is inconsistent with your behavior, you generally adjust your attitude to fit the behavior. In other words, you change your attitude to rationalize your behavior.”

For example, if you try to persuade your partner to change his attitude by complaining that he is addicted to video games and ignores you:

“Addiction to games is the expression of plaything lost ambition,”;

“Gaming addiction can lead to a vicious cycle,”;

“It’s not good for your health to look at electronic screens all the time…” Etc.

None of this is convincing to him, and it gets annoying when he says it too much — an attempt to change the other person’s “attitude.” It is useless.

But if you put it another way and directly change the other person’s behavior:

“Turn off the computer and let’s go for a walk.” ;

“Don’t play, you haven’t talked to me all day, I’m a little upset.

This is a form of persuasion that directly affects the lizard’s brain, and before the lizard has time to think about it, his decision power follows the behavior you’re describing.

2. Don’t force the other person to change his wishes, but guide him to exchange his wishes for rewards

Again, take playing video games. The desire to play games is what the other person wants, but the vast majority of couples deal with it in such a way that they simply reject the other person’s desire: “You play games again and we break up.”

This is a kind of rebound phenomenon in which the other party instinctively resists by forcing him or her to change his or her desire.

Let’s put this “suppression” in another way:

“Can you stay alone with me for a few hours every day before you play the game?”

“Can you finish this work before you play the game?”

3. Value the other person’s environmental experience

This is what we call “atmosphere”.

The environmental experience is often a big factor when people make decisions. Therefore, when communicating, be sure not to preach “on the spot” right away, but to take the other person to a place where he or she feels comfortable and can relax completely.

4. While listing negative facts, don’t forget to add a little positive embellishment

If the problem arises, you will probably bring up a lot of inconvenient truths about the problem.

Such as the other side smoking addiction, then the conversation must not avoid “make the home to get miasma”, “easy to get lung cancer”, “poor self-control”, “covered in bad habits” and so on, these words are indeed the fact.

But in addition to listing these brutal facts, you can add a little bit of “quit” after the expectation: “Your skin will be much better after quitting smoking”, “cough less”… And so on.

This way, the other person won’t feel pressured to be blamed and will be more receptive to your advice.

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